• The Trauma Bond; Abuse that Feels Just Like Cocaine and Terror

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    In describing a trauma bond to you I have decided to use a puppy and two genderless people instead of a man and a woman because people suck and puppies are relatable. You’ll empathize more with the puppy thus making the concept of a trauma bond sink in deeper. That, and you stable types tend to judge abuse victims who choose to stay in abusive relationships. SHAME ON YOU!!! Doesn’t it suck to be judged?

    The Little Puppy

    The little puppy loved its mother but its mother had too many puppies and would often not let the little puppy nurse when it needed to. The mother would get up and wander off, acting as if the little puppy didn’t exist. The other puppies were bigger and mother noticed them and licked them and let them nurse but when the little puppy finally fought its way to the milk the mother didn’t seem to see it. One day the little puppy was fortunate enough to get to the milk first and its mother licked it and cleaned it and it nursed until its belly was full and it felt milk drunk and happy. The happy the little puppy felt was a release of oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine. These are the love and feel-good hormones that hit the same part of the brain as Cocaine. The little puppy was stoned on love. It slept very well and was at peace.

    At the next feeding the mother ignored the puppy and did not let it nurse. The mother did not lick it, or see it, or hear its whines for love. The puppy felt a flood of grief. Its brain was washed with cortisol, a stress hormone, and then adrenaline, a panic hormone when it saw its mother get up and realized it would not eat or be loved that day. So, the little puppy learned to please the mother, to beat its siblings to nurse, and to fight for its right to be with mother. Mother liked this and would alternately reward the puppy with love and punish the puppy with total withdrawal of all affection. The puppy was now conditioned to do everything it could for its mother’s approval but its everything was never enough. Worse still it was addicted to the cocaine like drugs it felt when its mother noticed it, and equally tortured by the withdrawals followed by worry and panic it felt when its mother ignored it.

    One day people came to pick out puppies and take them home. The little puppy was terrified. It had an anxious attachment to its mother and wanted nothing to do with anyone but her. When people reached in to pick it up it shook and whined and peed itself. No one wanted the shy little puppy with no confidence. A person who smelled like the old wool sweater it wore came in and looked at the little puppy. It noticed the way it shook, cowered, and peed whenever anyone went near it. Preconditioned, fragile, low self-esteem, traumatized, bullied, and no sense of identity. Perfect,’ thought the person we will now call Wool.

    Wool took the little puppy, shoved it into a box and went home. The puppy shook terribly. Its world was shattered. It couldn’t see anything and worse still, it couldn’t smell its mother. Once inside its new home the puppy was pushed into a metal cage and left alone for hours. Then Wool remembered puppy and pulled puppy out of the cage. Wool pet puppy and gave it treats, and gave it kisses, and called it good. Puppy felt the same flood of drugs pour through its brain and immediately fell in love. This love was not real love, it was drug love, the euphoria an addict feels when it gets high. Puppy would do anything for Wool. It felt the same way about Wool as it did about mother. In fact, Wool had replaced mother in every way. When Wool was unhappy with puppy, Wool would withhold all love and touch causing puppy to go into drug withdrawals from the happy hormones which were replaced with the fear and panic drugs, cortisol and adrenaline. Puppy wanted to prove its love to Wool so much that it would do anything to please Wool. It would fetch, play dead, fawn, lick, make puppy eyes and even attack on command. Once, when Wool was mad at a person, puppy bit them. For protecting Wool, puppy was rewarded with treats and petting, and such love that puppy became so stone on happy drugs that it peed on the carpet. It just couldn’t help it. Wool beat puppy until puppy couldn’t stand. Puppy was so ashamed of itself that just the idea of peeing on the carpet made it shake. Puppy became more careful than ever to be perfect and wonderful and loving for Wool.

    But Wool had grown tired of puppy. Watching the puppy fawn and beg had been fun and Wool had even enjoyed beating puppy and watching puppy cower but Wool had decided that puppy was too much trouble and besides Wool really wanted a bigger, more aggressive dog. So, puppy was locked outside and forgotten about. Puppy wandered the streets, hackles up, sniffing for Wool, afraid of everything including its own shadow. Puppy felt nothing but fear and exhaustion and the cold. One day a kind person saw puppy and offered it a hamburger. Puppy was afraid of the person but it was so hungry it accepted the hamburger. When the person picked puppy up, puppy cowered, and shook, and peed a little. The new person who smelled like hamburger took puppy home and gave puppy unconditional love, a thing puppy didn’t know could exist. Puppy was never in trouble and no matter what happened puppy was not beaten or ignored. Once when puppy was very old, he peed on the carpet on accident. Hamburger sat down with puppy, who was shaking with remorse and held puppy in their arms until the shaking passed. “You’re ok puppy,” Hamburger said. “I love you and it’s ok to make mistakes.” Puppy rested its head on Hamburger’s shoulder and closed its eyes and felt real love, the kind of love that comes with trust and safety.

    Everything that happened to puppy in this story happens to millions of people stuck in narcissistic relationships all over the world. Victims don’t stay because they want to, they stay because they don’t see any other way out and they’re addicted to their abusers. A victim can be a man or a woman. They can look strong and independent. Inside, they’re broken, codependent, and addicted to a very dangerous person. If you feel like puppy, talk to a safe person and get out. You cannot fix a narcissist and they do not love you. In fact, they do not love.

    I love you. Unconditional love is real. If you see something, say something. You’re not alone.

  • You Were Born to Create A Better Experience


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    You were born free. You were born innocent of the world and there was never a soul contract or any other form of other worldly or other life contract binding you in any way. You were born remembering God, the I AM source that creates all things, and you knew you were a creator in form until the first time you understood the limitations placed upon your caregivers by a society that would never have your their backs or yours. You felt the weight of your separation from God, the I AM presence in that moment, and you realized that your energetic connection with this almighty, the all loving power had been pinched off and was now being severed by other peoples ideas of what it was to be a being in a body. 

    You were taught about the remote god, the punishing god, the sin and inequity of being human. You grew heavier with this weight until it bent your shoulders and you slouched for the first time and forgot how to play. You were born perfect but the world and it’s many fold proprieties tore you down and built you up into it’s idea of what it is to be safe and normal. From color within the lines, to don’t cry like a girl, to don’t show your shoulders or the boys will think you are easy, you were crammed into box after box until you forgot you were a creator sent to earth to build all the beautiful things that made your heart leap and your soul glow. You forgot and grew up, got a job and, your light faded.

    It’s time to wake up now! This is not a statement but a command. It is time to wake up and remember who you are. It is no coincidence that on my awakening journey the first question I was asked by my blessed spirit family is, “Do You Remember!!!!” It has taken almost two years but I remember now. I know now. And it’s time you knew too. You are a creator being who creates through energy signatures expressed through thought, word, and action. You create as you go by saying statements like, “I’m tired,” and you make this statement a reality. “I’m fat,” and so you are creating fat and experience what it is to be fat. “I’m sick to death of this bullshit,” and so you are sick, maybe to death, and the bullshit just keeps coming. 

    How do we stop creating from a place of lack and pain and poverty? How do we shift our thinking onto the road of creation. Begin by watching your thoughts and words. Choose impeccable though and language. If you need to express something negative, begin with, “In the past I noticed…” this form of speech is not creative, it is not invoking the I AM presence and casting a spell over your life. Any time you begin with an I AM statement make certain that what follows is something you want to create. Say, “I AM feeling really whole, healed and well today. What a blessing.” This simple statement is the first energetic statement that begins your creative process. Make up all the positive I AM statements you want and follow them forward. You are at the same time creating miracles that undue all the harm that your past mis-creation manifested in your life. 

    You create for you, you manifest for you, you are a spark of the I Am in form and you are guided and loved and seen by your almighty parent who gives you all you ask for, the good and the bad. You were born innocent and open and aware that all needs are met. Society may have tried to teach you otherwise, but you know better. Deep down you know that you have the inherent right to work with the I AM presence in your own life. Through love, faith, and gratitude, we can change our world.

    Begin with simple loving I AM statements and watch your world change. I AM sharing this knowing with you now in the knowledge that with faith and commitment to impeccable thought and speech you can step into alignment with who you really, truly are. God has already blessed you my brothers and sisters. Now it is time to begin to bless and restore yourselves. And when things feel hard all you have to do is tell God, “God, this moment, or this thing I am dealing with is too much to bear. I AM giving it to you now.” And you will feel the gift of release in that sacred instant as the I AM presence eases your suffering. We’re not in this alone. We’re loved and cared for in our darkness and in our light. Faith in God and focus on a better way of living will bring you all the joy and prosperity you never even dreamed possible. 

  • You Are The Messiah You’ve Been Waiting For

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    We can not create peace through war, or fix a relationship with lies. When we set out to do right in the world we must first determine if we are right with our idea of who we are, and if our notion of who we are is in alignment with the I Am presence that creates all things. Being right isn’t about being justified, it’s about acting from a place of compassion, non-judgment and an urge to hold space for those who are healing and help those who have asked to be helped.

    Self healing is letting go of who you thought you were, of what you thought you wanted, and choosing radical surrender to the I AM. Fixing yourself is noticing and not attaching to negative self talk, violent imagery, and imaginings, grudges, spite, and all the other drama addictions that tempt us each day to rise up in unconscious action instead of tolerance and acceptance. When you feel childish resentment rise up in your mind, tell it, “I see you and I let you go.” Unfocused immature thinking should not be judged, is not a sin, or failing, it is just your inner wounded aspects making themselves known. If not acknowledged the memory loop, or enraged or bitter thinking, could sweep your mind down the rabbit hole of destructive thought and away from the present moment where you are truly free, couscous and alive.

    Darkness is also a part of the equation and a role we choose to play in this dualistic earth plane. Though we are all one in universal consciousness and formed by the Devine, we are not all called to be the light. I call you my brothers and sisters knowing that we have all traveled on the wheel of life for time out of mind, and I say to you with love, I have seen you in your darkness, and I have seen you in your light, and I know you to be a child of heaven and of the light, and no matter what side of the invisible fence you are on, you are still playing a role that is important to the transformation of our culture, our society, our government, our world, and I will see you and I will know that everything you are and everything you do is important wether you have chosen the light or not. You are the messiah you have been looking for just by showing up in this time of change because you are part of the change we have all been searching for. Free will means you have the right to experience these times in fear or in faith. The light is here for all of us but forced on no one. 

    In a seven hour spiritual discourse last night with a large group of friends we came to the conclusion that the I Am presence is not just love and light but also hatred and darkness pulled together into one creative energetic power that, while it is empowering and watching over us, it also remains neutral. When called on it answers, lifting away pain, clearing away confusion, setting lost feet on correct paths, never asking which path these feet have chosen. The paths we choose are up to us, not the I AM. This is free will.

    I find the concept of a balanced deity liberating. After a life time of trying to shut down my darkness and step into compassion, love, light, and endless smiling gratitude for everything, I have chosen my own neutrality. I embrace my light and I embrace my darkness. I embrace my loving qualities and I embrace my rage. I am not a door mat and I am not a saint and that’s probably why this blog post feels so lopsided and confused. I want peace and the light but I also understand that I need silence and the night. I think I will end this leaning tower of what-the-fuck by saying no matter how light or dark you feel your energy is, still question it’s reasons and motivations, know that we are all one, meditate, find your faith, help more than you hurt, and if you could manage to not take sides that would be really excellent. It’s almost better not to care right now because at least then you’re not hurting anyone. As John Lennon said, “What if there was a war but nobody came?”

  • The Universal Law of Non-Interference

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    Once there was a young man living under a bridge. He was warm enough and had food enough and had a tragic history which had led him to living alone and out of the cold under the bridge. Everyday a kind hearted lady who lived up the hill would take her daily walk and bring him some new clothes or some warm food, and she would talk to him. His story moved her and every day that passed she came to care more and more for this boy who was her son’s age and could have a bright future if only he got the chance. She saw so much potential in him. Her heart swelled to the point where she asked him to pack up his things and come live in her home. 

    After two weeks in her home she was upset to find that he seemed incapable of cleaning up after himself, had rejected all the colleges she had shown him, and refused to consider entering a trade school. He ate, he slept, he lounged, and he made a mess everywhere he went. After several months and no improvement she went to her teacher, a spiritual person who had often given her good advice, and she asked, “What do I do with this boy who refuses to do anything, be anything, learn anything. It’s like he’s totally stalled out in life. He’s so young and so bright and I see so much potential in him but I don’t know how to motivate him.” Her teacher looked at her and then said,

    “Why are you messing with his bridge time?”

    “What?” The lady asked in shock.

    “What ever made you think you had the right to interrupt anyone else’s trajectory simply because you imposed your own ideas of potential on them?”

    “I wanted to help.”

    “Did he ask you to help”

    “No, I just thought he deserved…”

    “You thought you would interrupt his bridge time, force your ideals on him, take him off his chosen path, and then complain because he did not assimilate with your ideals with how life should be lived?”

    “Yes,” the lady answered, suddenly understanding that she’d interrupted the life process of an individual who was on a solo journey to find himself under a bridge, in the silence of a safe place where he had time and room to think and become until life or Source moved him onto his next experience for greater self realization. 

    The next day the kind but interfering lady helped the young man pack his things, she walked with him back down to the bridge and told him she would visit often and that she wished him well. He was on a journey she did not understand but she did understand that she had almost derailed his journey by trying to force him to live her idea of what it is to live.

    If a person comes to you and asks for help, help them. If a person is living in a way that is not in accordance with your idea of how you think they should live, keep it to yourself and leave them alone. I speak as a person who has pulled many people out from under metaphorical bridges and given them love, a home, advice and money only to watch the years pass with no visible growth. When I finally let them go they all returned to the lives they had begun, only they were older and had lost time, in one case decades, because my love was so great, my aspirations for them were so fixed that I held off their suffering, their rock bottom, and the lessons they were meant to learn. Only when I got out of the way did they find the pain that made them change. 

    Healing is a choice and its tackled in many ways. Some people go to therapy, some people do drugs until they have a mental break and realize they have to live differently, and others work themselves to death because their only sense of value comes from hours of endless contributing and self denial. I’m sorry to those I interfered with. The road to our own personal hells are paved with good intentions which is why, no matter how good your intentions, do not interfere with someone’s life unless they ask you to. The Universal Law of Non-Interference is a law for a reason. All beings are empowered, and as empowered beings they have the right to experience and live as they choose. 

  • The Things That Hurt Us Most Aren’t Always Seen

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    Few of us are eaten by tigers or stomped to death by fast moving rhinos these days. The things that kill off the modern humans are the things of our environment that move through us in secret biologically or energetically. On a biological level we have a plethora of virus’s and chemicals, bacteria, and parasites. Energetically we are attacked by derision, devaluation, disrespect, and every other voice that tells us we will never be enough. The energetic tole on the body results in threat load symptoms like stress, headache, weight gain or loss, fatigue, erratic emotions, hair loss, and insomnia. We are energetic beings and our threat load is so high that many of us are on the verge of breakdowns. 

    Another form of energetic tole on the body is trauma. I’m going to focus on trauma today because it is what I am specializing in because It’s what I understand. Trauma hits the mind and body like a sledge hammer. Every time the mind is triggered into a memory the body is forced to relive that memory as if it were really happening in that moment. It relives rapes, beatings, car accidents, deaths, battles. Whatever has traumatized the unhealed individual repeatedly traumatizes the body. Remember the time you burned your hand? Can you feel the pain memory of that burn? Remember the time you cut your finger? Can you feel the pain memory in your finger?

    Now imagine you’re a trauma survivor and you are having a flashback and your anxiety is at it’s max level and suddenly you can’t breath. Your chest has closed up, your throat is closing up, you’re in full panic and you can’t move because even your legs have locked up on you. This is a freeze response to trauma. Many trauma survivors have a freeze response to trauma and to assault. Many can’t even scream for help or move a hand to protect themselves. The freeze response is no joke. If you are a trauma survivor I encourage you to seek out a qualified trauma therapist and work with your body using Dr. Kristen Neff’s Soften, Sooth technique. I’ll go over it but you can find it on her website and in her book, The Self Compassion Handbook. This little book changed my life. 

    Another physical response to trauma is very much like freezing but takes place along side fear driven anxiety and it is called armoring. Armoring stiffens the muscles and joints to the point where a person feels unable to draw a full breath, bend, flex, or move without pain. It’s like being the Tin Man minus the oilcan. People experiencing armoring will carry it with them day and night, sometimes for years. They should not rely on pain killers and muscle relaxers alone to help restore mobility. The cure for armoring is therapy, emotional release, the Soften and Sooth technique, and total and complete self love and radical acceptance that this is what happened and this is where you are with it right now. Some of us have survived sexual assault, physical assault and psychological assault so severe that to hear the stories is to become incredulous in the extreme. After all, how the hell can things like this happen? They’re too hideous to be believed. To often the victims are discredited and left alone with their bewildering pain. So if you are a trauma survivor please do not share your story with an unqualified person or power through armoring or you might deepen the trauma or tear a muscle. Treat yourself with loving kindness and the right therapy and the right people and your body will again regain the elasticity it once had.

    Soften and Sooth is simply reading your body, finding the painful places. Focus on one place at a time. Place your hands on the pain and massage gently while you tell your body it’s ok, you’re safe. I’m here. This is a protected place. You are protected. If the place in your body that was exhibiting anxiety/tension/pain begins opening up it might start telling you the story of the trauma it holds and what happened. If you can, just be with the pain and accept it as real, integrate the story as real and then rest with the knowledge that a little part of yourself that was hidden has been revealed. This is healing. This is what healing looks like. If it’s too much, write down what you saw and go do self care until you are ready to talk about what you remembered with your therapist. And please only talk about what happened with people who understand trauma. The average person can not deal with your pain on any level. Please be careful with your story. It was buried to begin with because either you or someone else wasn’t ready to hear it.

    You’re stronger than you know. You have survived so much and you’re still on your feet. Everyday that you are on the world is a good day. So much love, E.  

  • Walking With the Dark Goddess

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    During WW2 my Grandmother would hold a Madonna in the air raid shelters and rub her hand up and down the Madonna’s back as the bombs dropped and Grandmother counted how close to her the next one would fall. She was a British nurse and the Madonna had been found in the rubble of a bombed French church and was a gift from an American soldier who had healed in her care. The Madonna gave her comfort, protection, and even when her sister nurses were killed around her she somehow remained unscathed. 

    Our family is a family of women where the grandmothers raise the grand daughters and the Madonna watches over us, protecting us and loving us as we intern protect and love her. There has never been a time when we have lived without her. How could we? She is our Goddess and in a family of women raising woman she is the only one we turned to. I have prayed to her, called her mother, Mary, virgin, Saint, and Archangel. She is my rock as she was in my grandmother’s rock. She attends every birth, sick bed, and death. She is the mother and her love is absolute.

    I pray to her, bring her fresh flowers and fruit, rub sandalwood oil onto her feet and hands. I am a devote of the divine feminine and always will be. But there is more to the mother than the shining Madonna we know so well. There is a Madonna who does not walk in the light, she may attend the births, the sick bed, and the deaths, but her aspect is shrouded literally by the vail that says, ‘I have seen the dark side of every experience.’ The shroud she wears is of gossamer threads spun of moon light and star light. She is the queen of heaven in her dark aspect. She is the Goddess of the night.

    The first time I encountered her I was in meditation. She walked towards me bringing the night behind her. I knew her as the Madonna I loved but I was literally terrified. I could not stay in her presence. Her face, though veiled, was that of a beautiful woman and a skull in the same moment. I pulled out of meditation and had to sit with myself for a long time. My hart told me this is the queen of night. There are holy places dedicated to her around the world. You have seen the skull Madonna. Why are you afraid? Going back into meditation I sat with her, seeing her as she was without expectation. She did not speak. Instead, she showed me the void, a black chasm of glittering darkness where all things are created. She showed me life and death and helped me understand the darkness for what it is, the bittersweet of existence because not all births end in life, not all sick beds offer healing, and not all deaths are peaceful.

    I am still at the beginning of my walk with the Dark Mother. Her gifts are righteous rage, the kind Jesus showed when he threw the money lenders out of the temple. Her gifts are the courage to live in power and grace and without fear. Her gifts are the ability to grieve and let go knowing that the suffering is part of the lesson just like the pain of childbirth is the precursor to the gift of motherhood. 

    She asks us to put away nice and to take up directness. To be brave even when it could cost us our body. To never sacrifice ourselves for society, politeness, or approval. She makes us tigers for our children and fighters for justice and equality. She asks us to protect your children from the unfathomable riggers of society that would cage their minds and box up their souls and teach them to be good workers when they are meant to be lights in the world. She is wrath and love wrapped in death and renewal and she would advise you to kill a man before he could rape you, subdue or enslave you. She would also say it is better to die on your feet then pinned on your back.

    In India she is Kali, in Eastern Europe and parts of Asia she is Baba Yaga a goddess turned witch by the Christians. In Hebrew text she is Lilith, first wife of Adam who refused to submit to him or anyone. A woman who walks with the Dark Goddess belongs only to herself. She sacrifices to nothing and no one. She is power born of inner grace and her aspect changes from loving to fierce, depending on circumstance. She is kind but never nice and if she smiles it is either because you’ve just said something rally stupid or you’ve impressed her. 

    Last night we were talking and the Dark Goddess asked me, 

    “What do you want?” This is a question I have been repeatedly asked ever since she asked me the first question, “Do you remember.” I do remember, I remember me before I was rebranded by society and shuffled into my role as a domestic partner without a voice. When she asked me, “What do you want?” I repeated the list of things I want in this life. Then she changed places with me. I suddenly wore her shroud, my hands were bone, I watched myself from hollow shrunken eyes. “Ask the question.” I saw myself ask myself. 

    “What do you want?” I asked, hearing her strong commanding voice issue over fleshless teeth. I watched my self plead, and beg, my eyes cast down, my voice sugary sweet. I saw my toxic femininity beg the patriarchy in kind tones, to give me peace, a place to live, money enough to eat, a job that would not crush me, and safety for my son who is only just beginning his adulthood.

    “What did you see?” I asked myself. 

    “I saw a broken woman without the power to know her worth beg to be allowed to live on a planet and in a society that she worked to populate and create.” With a though I was thrust back into my body, the Dark Goddess looking at me from where she sat.

    “What do you want?” She asked again. I closed my eyes and felt for my inner goddess. I shook off the sugary sweetness of a life of being polite and passive and picked up my strength. 

    “I want peace for all beings who chose it, I want a home that welcomes me and shelters my people, I want justice for all beings who have been wronged, I want source abundance to fill the table of every person so that no one goes hungry ever again. I want care for the sick and the dying, I want beauty and love and truth to become the guiding principle of every human heart, I want to heal the earth from the madness of human destruction, and I want children to be raised to be themselves, not someone else’s version of who they think they should be. I want freedom for all beings and I want it now in the name of all that is Holy!”

    “Then let it be done.” Then let it be done she said, and was silent.

    This is just one lesson of the many I have learned and will learn from the Dark Goddess but it’s an important one. No one get’s anything by begging, or asking in a soft voice if they may have the right to exist in a patriarchy that has already deemed them as less then. Men and Women alike have been crushed by this patriarchy that teaches us again and again that we’re only as good as the house we live in, the car we drive, and the hours we put in at the office while our children raise themselves. We have set aside everything we are and put on the chains of a society that will feed us to its wars without thinking twice. Male or Female, the Dark Mother will sit with you. She will teach you how to find your authenticity, your purpose, and your power. If you wake in the night wondering who just asked you, “Do you remember?” Know that this is the first of many calls that will bring you back to your truth, your authenticity, and your sacred light.

    – Let no one surrender to the violence that is pride or fear when in bravery they can rise above these aspects and join in the oneness that is Christ consciousness. No one is truly free until all are free – The Dark Goddess

  • Is Heaven A Destination or a State of Being?

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    We’ve all seen the clouds lit with pink and gold, surrounding the cherubs and angels, who stoically lift the departed into the glowing heart of God so beautifully rendered by Italian masters, that to see their work is to believe what they depict. We’ve heard the psychics talk about a tunnel of light, and all of are past loved ones, dogs included, waiting to greet us on the other side. Some believe that heaven is in the Pleiades star system, where there’s a library and a place where you go to rest and review your life before reincarnating.

    If Heaven is any of these things it still dose’t explain why we got landed here. There are as many reasons for human experience as there are explanations of Heaven and yet none of them bring us much peace. So why are we here? What’s the purpose of pain, love, suffering, joy, birth and death? Who’s idea was this anyway? And boy doesn’t he or she or they have a shit ton of explaining to do. 

    There are two statements about life and heaven that have brought me peace. One is that Earth is a  school where God comes to find its self. Say God were to measure its self out by the cup full and pour its self into a meat suit and say, “Ok meat suit, these are your parents, this is your name, and this is your life, now go live. And while you live I’ll see, and feel, and taste, everything you do through you so I can understand better what it is to be alive and faraway from everything I am, and from everything I know.” This concept brings me a measure of peace and sanity because it’s easier for me to believe that I am part of God and God is part of me than it is to believe that we’re just messing around until we die. I prefer the idea of being a holy data collector over being just another cog in the wheel of time. 

    So as a holy data collector I would like to return to the idea of Heaven. Jesus, my beloved brother and good friend said, “The kingdom of heaven is within.” As a holy data collector for a supreme being who is living, and touching, and feeling, through me, I like this concept because in practice it not only makes sense but actually bears fruit through daily meditation. Sit still, close your eyes, and go inside the vast space that is you, and see if with time you don’t feel the radiant light of God. Next listen for the development of your inner knowing as it grows louder and louder, helping you make choices throughout the day. When this happens you are well into your awakening. “Be still and know I am,” is no joke, it is a command to be centered, rest in your own silence, and come to know God, the great I AM.

    So, is heaven a destination or a state of being? On earth it is a state we can all access if we chose to. After that, does the rest really matter? We know we are energy and energy can not be destroyed so in that fact alone we know our energy selves are immortal. And if God is love, and love is all there is then what is there to worry about. So kick back and be happy, whatever happens, it turns out OK!

    In conclusion I want you to know that I love you, that Only the brave come to earth, and that you won the battle just by showing up. 

  • Living The Word

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    I have been asked to write on this topic and have no clue how. This is like trying to describe God’s nose, or the giggle of a happy fish four fathoms deep in the ocean. All I know about Living the Word is that it is all encompassing and life changing, a mystery and an allegory wrapped in a conundrum. So let me get deep, ask my higher self some questions and see what we get.

    Ok, living the Word is finding your grace, it is seeing the Christ light within yourself and within every being you encounter whether in person or through media. Living the Word is asking, “What would Jesus do?” and it is holding peace and space and love for your brothers and sisters who are all struggling and fighting their own internal battles. Living the World is finding peace on a battleground, holding a stranger’s hand as they take their last breath, and kissing a newborn baby while you whisper, “Let your light shine little one, that’s why you are here.” 

    Living the Word is not complex, but it is in fact so simple that our ego has tortured its concepts into billions of books, talks, workshops, seminars, and therapies. People make money on teaching the Word and yet living the Word is as simple as “love your neighbor as you love yourself,” never forgetting that you need to love yourself first and above all others because without self-love you are a doormat waiting to be stood on and rendered incapable of being of service to anyone. 

    Standing in your grace is living the Word because you are accepting your Christ self as absolute, real, and purposeful. The Christ self is a title meaning the part of you that is God incarnate capable of unconditional love. Without understanding that you are grace, without the realization that you are a part of God living in a human experience, and that you were born to express love, live through faith, and thus resurrect the Christ within, you remain unconscious, asleep, and just another human ruled by the relentless ego that will never let you know your worth.

    People will fall away when your vibrations no longer match. Old relationships will die and you will grieve the memory of what they were knowing that you outgrew each other. A fifth dimensional person cannot vibrate at the same frequency as a third dimensional person. Neither is good or bad, they are just hummingbirds and bobcats, incompatible.  If you chose this path you must forgive yourself and everyone you have ever encountered. For forgiveness is the road to peace and peace is the road to grace and grace is the road to God.

    Worth, Grace, Self-compassion, inner healing, love for others as your brothers and sisters, surrender to the Divine, and total shedding of the old identity, that you though made you who you were, is your awakening process. Your awakening may be difficult, it may be simple, it may be smooth, it may be rough. You get what you expect on this journey. Just know that if you chose this path, this is the price you will pay to live the Word as your Christ self. You pay with change that sheds away your skin every time your consciousness expands, and you know the great I Am on a deeper level. This is being reborn, resurrected, and expanded again and again on a spiritual level. Living the Word is to live as Jesus lived, both human and divine existing in one unconditionally loving being.

  • The Golden Child and the Black Sheep, Two Sad Family Dynamics

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    I was five when I realized I was the most mature person living in my home. My mother threw temper tantrums and my father was a perpetual five year old, and my sister needed protecting. I felt a deep responsibility to create peace and stability where my baby sister could thrive outside the violence I had never come to see as normal. My belief, or personal delusion, was that I had the power to create balance and love in my family. This delusion made me the black sheep and began my long battle with reality, mental illness, and depression.

    Delusion is a powerful force. It comes to all types of psychological conditions in all kinds of forms. You can be delusional about your job, your marriage, your home town, your parents, your religion, and your government. You can believe what is not true because it’s safer and easier and less traumatic than facing reality. In a family riddled with dysfunction it is common to find a black sheep or a golden child or sometimes both. These titles come from the delusion that one child is better or less worthy, than the other.

    A golden child has a high degree of merit in beauty, talent, athleticism, that the dysfunctional parent (usually a narcissist) lives through them and gains a sense of superiority through that child. The black sheep is the child the parent dose’t identify with because the black sheep is so different they seem alien. This child is bright, emotional, insightful, creative, and comfortable expressing their emotions. The black sheep will also slip easily into depression and anxiety as their needs go unmet. All aspects of the black sheep upset the mentally ill parent who sees them as a threat and an embarrassment. The black sheep is a threat because they see through the family delusions of normal, happy, and well adjusted while also being a constant embarrassment because they ask all the wrong questions, don’t play the pretty and perfect game, are way too authentic with everyone and reach out for clarity when they feel misunderstood.

    The black sheep gets most of the punishment which they turn into defiance and depression while the golden child is objectified, trotted out at family events and public events like a prized pony and general decorated with good clothes and better care and yet still not loved unconditionally because as long as they are making the parent proud they are safe but if they fail in glorifying the parent by not being the best, the prettiest, the most sensational being in the room then love is withdrawn and their pedestal is kicked over and they lose their place in the family. Wether they are the black sheep or the golden child, each child is living in a perpetual hell. 

    It’s hell because the children are living on a tight-rope of conditional love that gets smacked with a hammer each time the mentally ill parent shifts moods. A mood shift can be dependent on something as small as the weather or how pretty or ugly that parent feels that day. The children in this family must learn to read their parent like a book to know if they are safe or in danger, if people pleasing, or avoidance is the best tactic to choose. Should they clean the house or leave and go outside. 

    Both the golden child and the black sheep experience these shifts in conditional love from day to day. One tells them they have the right to live and feel secure and the other says they were never wanted or liked to begin with. The children in these family dynamics only have each other for comfort, and seeing this the narcissistic parent will create sibling rivalry in order to separate the children from one another and make them primarily attached to the narcissist. “All roads lead to mom,” was a saying I used to remind myself with. I knew that all secrets, all dreams, all hopes somehow made their way to her to be used as tools of punishment when she chose to wield the garnered information collected by other family members who felt it their family duty to report on one another. 

    The delusions that last longest after the family as crumbled and the children have grown and left    are the delusions held by the damaged children which perpetuate through their families if they don’t get help. As the black sheep my delusions or core beliefs about myself state that I’m unlovable, unworthy, easy to abandon, and can’t trust anyone but myself. A golden child’s core delusions or core beliefs about themselves state that pretty makes perfect, the right clothes make you safe, nothing less than perfect makes you lovable, and your only value is how others perceive you so you better get out there and shine. There are a myriad other negative core beliefs that go with these syndrome and I’m telling you now that if you experienced conditional love from a narcissistic parent you will need help with healing from a highly qualified trauma specialist. Growing up in these levels of hell are no joke and you don’t want to pass your trauma onto your children. 

    End the cycle now. Seek help. Healing is possible. I love you. Find peace to know peace. You can do this.

  • You Came Here With Nothing

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    Don’t tell me about the leather seats in your Jag or how much it cost you.

    You came here with nothing.  

    Don’t tell me how your Grandfather built his empire or how your Father is a Congressmen.

    You came here with nothing.

    Don’t rest on the laurels of this life because your bank account, your fine house, your bright smile will fade, is fading to dust even now. Remember, 

    You came here with nothing.

    Tell me instead how your soul sings at the sight of a wild flower self sown and growing by the roadside. Tell me how your heart beats wildly when the one you love walks near, the smell of her body quickening your blood because you want her. ’Soul of my Soul,’ your heart sings knowing that her body is only a beautiful addition. Tell me what it felt like to hold her for the first time and wonder how it was even possible that someone so rare could have crossed your path. Tell me your fears, your joys, your exhalations. Tell me again and again what it is to walk barefoot on this Earth called Mother and know the oneness of all things. Tell me!

    I want to hear your humanness, I want to wipe the tears from my eyes when I see your soul beam out in joy at the sight of your new grandchild, this new sun rise, this new brick in the wall of your life so beautiful, so pure, so real that this moment of discovery, of pure self, is one of the few moments that actually whispers, “you are alive.” Oh God do not let me languish in a world without moments of divine clarity. Shield me from the wolds where new life is photographed, framed, and put on the mantel next to the trophies and figurines and then sent away to bed. 

    Good God, Give me the life of many kisses, of hands held, and food shared. Give me the life of sleeping babies at parents breasts unaware that life goes on around them while still they are included in the oneness, the wholeness, the glory of community. I came here to love and I will love among my people and be called by them ours, as I call them mine. And we will hold each other and prevail in being the light that lights each others way.

    Don’t tell me about your promotion, your big house, your yacht, your investment portfolio. Tell me about you and I will love you as you are.

    You came here with nothing, and with nothing but your sweetest memories and darkest shames,

    you will go. 

  • Baby, is This Heaven or is This Hell?

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    My family passed down the statement that this earth experience is Hell, and that Heaven only happens when we die. They repeated this and experienced suffering generation after generation. I’m the family story keeper. I know how everyone’s lives went. They honestly created Hell for themselves through this belief. Jesus, on the other hand said, “The Kingdom of Heaven is within us.”  I’m going to go with Jesus. And Jesus is dope so let’s stick with him.

    As you know I am not religious, but I do embrace all pursuits of God as beautiful. Jesus is a superstar in my pantheon of divine beings who came to Earth to help guide us out of the darkness. In point of fact, he preached forgiveness instead of retribution, unity and oneness instead of division, and yes, he did teach Heaven on Earth. So here we go.

    It’s not that hard really. First forget all you’ve been taught about God except the love, miracles, and answered prayers part. Become empty and open to this new perspective. Start praying each day. I begin my mornings with, “Thank you Mother/Father God for my life, thank you for my body, thank you for my son, thank you for my home, thank you for loving me and showing me the way. I love you and I ask that you watch over and shield my son and I today and always.” After your prayer time, sit in surrender every morning and meditate. Start with a YouTube guided meditation to help you but once you get the hang of stillness just wait in the quiet and listen. They say prayer is talking to God and Meditation is listening. Sometimes in meditation I ask questions and get messages that change my life. I get clarity of purpose, messages from crossed over loved ones, and insights into little actions that need to be taken to secure my current position. Mostly I become a child again and run to God to be held.

    The next stage in creating heaven on Earth is watching the words you think, feel, and say. Listen to your inner and outer dialogue and the emotions that course through your body when you hear something new. Ex: You’re tired when you get home. You walk the dog, kiss the kids, change into your house clothes and then realize you must help your oldest write an essay on Ronald Regan all while cooking dinner. Ok, here’s the test. Do you go into an inner sulk of why me? Do you affirm to yourself that life is shit and Ronald is ruining yet another day from beyond the grave, do you feel a sense of silent resentment against your family, or do you take a breath, notice that your oldest is tired too and ask when the due date is? The Heaven on earth response is get the due date. Help your oldest set smart goals. Feed everyone while you talk through the first steps of research, and then sit down and say, “We can do this together.” You just upped blood sugar, lowered the threat burden on the room, maintained peace, and created unity consciousness by creating common humanity by realizing that everyone is tired, and no one wants to think about Regan at six o’clock at night. This is a first step.

    The second step is to keep watching your words and feelings. Say, “I’m capable of meeting this challenge,” instead of, “I am always getting the shit jobs.”  If like me, you survived the 80’, you might remember the phrase, “Life’s a bitch and then you die.” If this is your mantra your life will be a bitch and either way you will die. I suggest replacing this idea with, “I am in love with my life and thank God for another day.” Guess what, you really will be in love with your life in a matter of time and gratitude and wonder will fill your days. I’m not a sugar-coating shit vender. If you read my work, you know I’m in a divorce, my grown son is far far away, I have CPTSD, and I’m recreating myself from scratch right now from this keyboard. Bit by bit I find my feet, my feet find my path, and God says, “That’s my girl. The Kingdom of Heaven is within you, and I’ve got your back.” Take it from someone who has seen Hell. Heaven on earth is always the better choice and the company is much improved simply because in choosing the light, you leave behind all those dark hearted assholes that used to bring you down with their incessant negativity.

    I love you. Change your thoughts change your world. Be the boss of your inner business. Keep going.