emotion

You Came Here With Nothing

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Don’t tell me about the leather seats in your Jag or how much it cost you.

You came here with nothing.  

Don’t tell me how your Grandfather built his empire or how your Father is a Congressmen.

You came here with nothing.

Don’t rest on the laurels of this life because your bank account, your fine house, your bright smile will fade, is fading to dust even now. Remember, 

You came here with nothing.

Tell me instead how your soul sings at the sight of a wild flower self sown and growing by the roadside. Tell me how your heart beats wildly when the one you love walks near, the smell of her body quickening your blood because you want her. ’Soul of my Soul,’ your heart sings knowing that her body is only a beautiful addition. Tell me what it felt like to hold her for the first time and wonder how it was even possible that someone so rare could have crossed your path. Tell me your fears, your joys, your exhalations. Tell me again and again what it is to walk barefoot on this Earth called Mother and know the oneness of all things. Tell me!

I want to hear your humanness, I want to wipe the tears from my eyes when I see your soul beam out in joy at the sight of your new grandchild, this new sun rise, this new brick in the wall of your life so beautiful, so pure, so real that this moment of discovery, of pure self, is one of the few moments that actually whispers, “you are alive.” Oh God do not let me languish in a world without moments of divine clarity. Shield me from the wolds where new life is photographed, framed, and put on the mantel next to the trophies and figurines and then sent away to bed. 

Good God, Give me the life of many kisses, of hands held, and food shared. Give me the life of sleeping babies at parents breasts unaware that life goes on around them while still they are included in the oneness, the wholeness, the glory of community. I came here to love and I will love among my people and be called by them ours, as I call them mine. And we will hold each other and prevail in being the light that lights each others way.

Don’t tell me about your promotion, your big house, your yacht, your investment portfolio. Tell me about you and I will love you as you are.

You came here with nothing, and with nothing but your sweetest memories and darkest shames,

you will go. 

Becoming Empty

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In order to be full of what supports your highest good you must first become empty of what does not. To become empty, you must let go of the roles you were given or that you took on in order to fit into the society that set out to alter you to begin with. After you have set aside your roles you must ask the fundamental question, “Do you remember?” This question has many layers and asks many things. It asks you to peel away the false facade you were asked to take on when you took on your roles, were taught to hug your uncle when really, he made you sick? Were you made to shake hands with a man you knew to be corrupt? Where you made to smile when you just wanted to get down to business and do what you love without having to be pretty or polite.

“Do you remember,” asks you in a fundamentally open way, “Who were you before you started to fake your way through life?” “What did you want before you set aside your dreams and accepted the limiting life society planned out for you?” “What do you want now that you are looking outside the false sense of self you have been living in.” Don’t ever ask how you will get what you want. Instead, say in a strong voice exactly what you want and know it will come in its own way and in its own time.

The next phase of becoming empty is examining your life, the good and the bad, and ask yourself what did I learn? Do not wipe away the tears. Let them flow. You are doing shadow work and shadow work dives deep into the body and the subconsciousness, pulling up the time you bullied a smaller kid for being in the way, the time you pinched the fat on our hip purple and called yourself a disgusting fat pig, the time your mother lost her shit and told you she was leaving resulting in a fear of abandonment that clings to you whether she left or not. Shadow work is a process. For some it is short and for others it is long. You may need to seek out a qualified trauma therapist to help you with this.

The next stage in becoming empty is letting go of the dogma of religious teaching that taught you you were not born in love and divinity. Keep only the teachings that taught you that God is love, you are a sacred child of the divine God, and you are unconditionally loved and supported. Before you were born you sat with God and decided to come to Earth. God asked you if you were certain because God knows this is a difficult mission. When you answered, you said, “Yes.” Then you forgot everything and felt alone and clung to your parents (just as lost), Your society (just as misguided), and your church (just as confused). Now it’s time to remember your divinity and become one with the love of your personal Creator.

Now you are at the stage of quieting the ego. Do not fight it, do not kill it, do not hate it. Remember it is an ancient survival mechanism that said, “hey, that cave over there once held a tiger. Let’s not get close.” In modern society the ego has gone insane. It screams at us to buy the latest, be in fashion, lose that next twenty pounds even when we’re underweight, and don’t look up or talk back or question your reality or the man will take everything, the partner will leave, and you will die alone under a bridge, living off rat meat. (My personal terror, maybe not yours.) The ego is tamed through meditation, self-compassion, and stepping into the now. Right now, as I write this, I am with you fully and totally in the now. I see each word come up on the screen, I feel the chill in the air that fills my lungs, and I have named the gnat that keeps trying to land on my screen. Tom if you’re wondering. He seems rather literate so his name is Tom after my favorite writer.

The other stage (which is a slow falling away kind of process) of becoming empty is releasing everyone who doesn’t light you up after interacting with them. These people are the complainers, the manipulators, the controllers, the know-it-all’s who didn’t do their research, the energy suckers, the cold shoulders you always strive to impress, the social climbers who will drop you when the better deal walks in. You are truly empty when you find yourself completely alone with God, seeking peace in meditation, and finding surrender in the light of the Almighty Creator. Now you are empty. Now your life begins in earnest. Now you will attract authentic love, authentic friendship, authentic career paths, and the home you always craved but never dared to envision. Now you are in the Now. Cast your desires up in prayer and know that they are made manifest simply because your loving parent the Divine, will always spoil you when you are in alignment with your personal highest good.

The Masks We Share

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In therapy yesterday, I told my therapist that I was no longer afraid of my future, that I was riding the wave of what it is to be a single woman in this world. That it’s true that I don’t know where life will take me, but that I do know that wherever I land I will make my home. Over the last few months, I have rediscovered a resilience I had forgotten I had. In living a life that was not mine I had forgotten the cloth my soul was cut from and the girl I was went somewhere I could not follow. She’s with me now. She is me and I am her and we are riding this wave together.

It’s not a tidal wave, or a hurricane, or a tsunami I am surfing. It’s a life wave that most of us ride at some point in our lives. I’m not sad anymore. My heart has mended and I know that I was put on this earth to love and to love well. I know my own grace, my own inner goodness, and I know that I loved fully and absolutely even when all hope was gone. I love still.

Today I met a homeless woman my age. Her eyes were my eyes only lost and sad and wandering. How easy it would be to become her. She started to wander into traffic so I called her and she came to me on my island of a street corner. “A mask,” she said, panicked. “I need a mask.” I rummaged in my bag, pulled out a clean one and gave it to her. “Take care of yourself babe,” I said and then blew her a kiss. She blew me a kiss and I walked to the gym. Our kiss broke my heart because in that short interaction where I saw myself where I could have been if not for the grace of God, I also saw my own pain and fear reflected back at me. “Take care of yourself,” I was talking to me. “Babe,” I was talking to me, the blown kiss, I was sending love to me while loving her for being the me that somehow fell into the insanity that I have fought for so long.

Inside the gym I went straight to the bathroom, locked the door and got down on my knees and prayed out loud. I prayed for all the hungry, and the cold, the lost and the forgotten, the insane and the sane because there is only a hair’s width of distance between one and the other. I prayed for my husband and I prayed for my son and lastly, I prayed for me. When I was done my eyes were swollen with crying and I stared at my wrinkled puffy face and saw the girl I was grown into a strong sane woman who loves…loves…loves…without condition.

I am riding this wave and I don’t know where it will take me and I am doing it with compassion and kindness, forgiveness, and love. I invite you all to join me. Let go of your expectations, your preconceptions, your biases and your pain and remember that somewhere in the depths of a city you are cold and raged and begging for a new mask to wear because you are frightened and alone with no mask at all.

Be humbled. Know the I AM. Find comfort on your knees. Love without condition. Be peace to know peace. I love you and I mean it from the bottom of my soul. I honest to God love you.

Moving your Body to Clear your Mind

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I did my research and found that nothing I read about the effects of exercise on emotional regulation was at all helpful. Most articles focused on preventing life threatening illness. While prevention is great, it calls to mind the myriad calamities we humans face everyday and if my blog is about anything, its about healing and faith not fear and illness. So, I decided to wing it.

First off, I walk every day. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I cry and pray, sometimes I cry and pray out loud and talk to a nearby shrub or hug a tree. I am that lady who looks perfectly normal until she says to an unoffending shrub, “Dear God please help me survive today. I’m in your hands and you are all I have.” This is generally how my morning walks go. I walk to release my grief, to breath fresh air, to connect to nature, to connect with God, and to connect with my body in a deep and meaningful way. Half way through my five mile walk I feel a sense of calm come over my mind as if both hemispheres of my brain have stopped fighting. The color of the trees become more vivid and that inoffensive shrub I poured my heart out too looks almost angelic. We’ve become very close.

I don’t stop walking when my mind calms and my grief subsides. I keep walking, setting my sights on a distant garden hidden by trees where I can sit on a park bench and meditate. I keep walking because reaching my five-mile goal will make my body and mind relax for the day and give me the peace I need to soldier on. Once I reach my private garden my eyes are dry and my mind is calm. I can go into deep meditation, connect with God fully and completely, and end my meditation feeling at peace.

Whether you’re having a mental breakdown, suffer with mental health issues, or just feel bummed or anxious about the state of the world, exercise will help. Do what you can, start small, work up slowly, and most important of all, take the deep belly breaths that calm your central nervous system. Today I lifted weights, walked my town, and did some yoga in my micro studio, which was an adventure in itself. And please remember as you move in your own special way that your Creator, by whatever name you use, is with you. Faith is healing even if you choose to pray to a convenient houseplant or an unassuming shrub. Faith will always see you through. So, please remember that… You are held. You are blessed. You are important and needed in this time of change.

Keep going. I love you. You got this.

Self-Compassion: Turning Self-Hate into Self-Love

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We were trained to be hard on ourselves, to reach for the stars and kick our own ass’s if we didn’t touch them. We normalized trash talk in sports, and looked our girlfriends up and down to make sure they were cool enough to be seen with us. We watched our weight, we watched our friend’s weight, and we persecuted ourselves if the scale tipped in the wrong direction. In school we either got great grades or flunked every class and we made certain that everyone knew how fantastic we were or that we were anarchist losers ready to take down the system, and when we slipped in our roles…well that’s when we were the hardest on ourselves.

Each year one in five students has thoughts of killing themselves, making suicide the number two cause of death among students age 15-24. Our children are suffering from test anxiety, eating disorders, self-harm, depression, and so much more. It’s time that we taught ourselves and our children to be kind to the person we’ve become. It’s time we chose kindness over toughness because none of us are tough enough to face the pressures of today without a lot of support and self-love.

Self-Compassion is not a new concept but it is being presented in a new way by Dr. Kristin Neff in her book, The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. This is the single most effective self-help book I have ever read. All my negative self-talk is gone. I have to repeat that. All of my negative self-talk IS GONE! After years of not feeling thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, good enough, worthy enough, outgoing enough, I now know that I am enough exactly as I am.

In the opening chapter Dr. Neff says, “Self-Compassion involves treating yourself the way you would treat a friend who is having a hard time.” It’s that simple. From there the book leads you through meaningful practices in mindfulness, releasing resistance, developing loving-kindness, and so much more. And if you’re worried that this may be one of those impossibly difficult to read books, it’s not. It reads like a child’s how to, on the proper care of a kitten. I think I loved that best about this book. It took the thing that tortures and kills us every day, our lack of self-worth, and it solved it with a practice so easy to follow that a child can understand it. Everything about Dr. Neff’s The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, is loving, simple, and above all, compassionate.

We really don’t have a choice anymore. Our mental health impacts our physical health, our spiritual health and the overall health of our families and our community. As I travel through my own healing journey, I will share with you what has worked and what has not. For me, Dr. Neff’s The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook is a must read/must practice book to keep with you all your life. Share it with your family, share it with your friends, share it with the world. We only have one life in this body. Let’s live it with more love and Self-Compassion.

You are Strong. You are Worthy. You were made for these times.

I love you. Keep going. You got this.

Normalizing Trauma

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Trauma is a very human experience. You can’t live on planet earth and not experience trauma at some point in your life. And the longer your life is the more likely it is that you will experience trauma. There’s different levels of trauma. There is a trauma that is emblazoned on your mind and triggers feelings of panic and depression. And then there are types of lesser traumas that trigger grief sadness or a mild sense of melancholy. These lesser traumas will not leave you in bed for weeks at a time or contemplating suicide like PTSD level trauma. Lesser traumas are the blues, they are the times when you remember something or sometime that hurt you.

As we go through life we either seek help and healing or we push down our traumas deeper and deeper into ourselves until they morph into an illness we didn’t see coming or become a state of permanent melancholy diagnosed as depression and treated with a pill. The important thing about trauma is to recognize it. In all it’s forms it must be recognized, it must be spoken about, it must be brought into the light, and it must be healed. According to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk MD, in his book The Body Keeps the Score, trauma is stored in the body. Only by releasing it from the body are we able to find healing.

The other interesting thing about diving into your trauma work is the reality that your family lineage also holds ancestral trauma, trauma from wars, traumas from sudden deaths, traumas from loss so terrible that they have left a ripple of pain running through your family that shows itself as alcoholism, domestic violence, drug abuse, isolation, chronic fatigue, depression, anxiety, and even the total avoidance of love, of feeling or interaction with others. Not being seen and not being heard is one of the cruelest forms of child abuse and yet millions of children suffer at the hands of parents completely incapable of feeling.

When we recognize the trauma that we are holding, when we honor it, we subsequently normalize it so it is no longer the skeleton in the closet ready to jump out and disrupt our lives. When we realize that nobody on this planet is playing the victim, and that hurt people hurt people, then we can open our hearts and extend love to even those individuals who seem so bent on trying to create pain. Find forgiveness for yourself and all people, practice self compassion, find a good trauma therapist who will help you uncover your pain and heal it. And honor your path. It wasn’t easy to get where you are but good or bad, you made it.

We are all humans having a human experience in a world that is very difficult to traverse. Let’s normalize mental health issues, let’s really talk about how we’re doing instead of always playing at “JUST FINE .” Let’s normalize the beauty and pain of living. Let’s do this hard thing together.

All my love goes to you as you walk this world. I am your sister in this moment and every other,

E. E. Orme

No More Masks

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This is the last mask I will wear, the one called wife. It was never mine by choice but came hidden in a box with a ring.

How it clung to me, hid me, bent my will and my purpose until I no longer knew myself; my dreams drifting away on far flung currents.

Your joys became my joys, your interest-my interests, and I smiled because I loved you, did my duty by you and the family. But the family shrunk away until it was just you and me and the boy.

What was fun? I washed my 1000th dish, smashing it just to hear it break. What was joy? I fold away another mountain of laundry that will appear again the next day.

The boy made me laugh and in him I remembered joy and fun. He was full of monkey tricks and more wisdom than I will ever fathom. Such a mind behind those chocolate brown eyes, such a heart of strength and love.

He is grown, and you are gone, and this mask called wife lays in tatters, torn as it was from me by a hundred punishments. But you were not the only villain. In pretending that we were happy I committed the ultimate betrayal, the betrayal of myself.

The Dance between Light and Dark: In Story

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A dance between light and dark the storyHow many days have I laid here lost between sleep, thirst, hunger, wakefulness and regret? To awaken, to truly open my eyes to this new day feels too heavy, too painful. The rocks beneath my body have left permanent imprints in my flesh and yet I dare not move arm or leg, hand or foot to find comfort. Pain is the sole reminder that I’m still alive. A light lingers in the corner, illuminating one small space in the endless darkness. It finds me where I hide in memory so heavy that to really see its glimmer I must open my eyes and then open my eyes again. Hell’s road may be paved with good intentions but its exit is barred by the lies of false prophets and a forked tongued god.

“You don’t have the right to live!” the voice croons gently in my head, every syllable a bullet in the brain. “You can’t ever go home!”

“What is home?” I question, but the voice interrupts.

“You’ve made your bed!”

I fall back into my bed, into a darkness that does not sleep, the voice coming and going, a murmur one moment, a scream the next. The hours pass in slow monotony until I recall a playground with a swing set. The memory is bright, its light pierces the dark that swarms like flies around me. I am warmed by the memory, my body jerking on its sharp rocks, my eyes opening to the corner where a glimmer still waits.

I remember more bright days filled with sunlit kisses and hugs that lasted all day. I remember smiles that lit my world and the warmth of my grandmother’s kitchen. I cry when I remember her, so beautiful with her silver hair and bright blue eyes. Shifting on my rock I raise my hand to catch the spark of light. How glorious the warmth feels on my fingers, its gentle rays sliding to me from no discernable place. I watch the play of light over my skin but my hand is dirty and the shame of filth is too great to bare. The game ends and I am lost again in regret. Grandma scolds me, her voice imperious with contempt,

“The dirt of childhood is easily washed. Yet, the filth and sin of the fallen can never be cleaned away.”

“Did she really ever say that?” I ask the room but my mouth doesn’t move. The thought lives only in my head. Grandma never spoke like that. Lifting my hand again I catch the light, determined not to lose it this time. Always in my heart there is a place for forgiveness. I forgave the one who hurt me, I forgave the people who watched but said nothing, I forgave the doctors who patched me up and handed me back yet where is my forgiveness?

“Do you deserve any?” The heavy question breaks through my thoughts but the voice isn’t mine, it’s an evil thing; it’s not me.
“You aren’t real. I am!” my words rattle the room. The light brightens. I cup it in my hands to hold it close. The closer I hold it the brighter it becomes.

“You are love” the light speaks softly, “born of love, in love, of love and so loved that you shine always, always, always even in the darkness…” I rest back on my hard bed but do not close my eyes. This truth must be absorbed, held, understood in order to feel real. The dark voice returns, shouting out edicts and condemnation that I refuse to hear because the light is with me, it is all I see and all I chose to think on. It’s soft whisper resonating gently through my soul.

“I am love, born of love, in love, of love, so loved…” and lifting my head I roll to my side, moving through the pain to my knees until the light encircles me. It is warm, loving, never failing in its comfort.

“Light be with me always.” I speak my words as a prayer feeling the darkness shrink away with many whining, whispering complaints. That dark voice, with it’s imprisoning words of judgment slides to an incoherent echo. The light draws me in and I am comforted by its softly spoken words.

“Turn to me and I am there. Find me and you find the way home. hear me and know that I am the light of love as you are the love that seeks the light.”

With these words the light and I are one kneeling being, free to stand, free to walk, free to find care, to find comfort, to live and laugh where the voice that judges the fire walkers and the fallen is silenced and blinded by its own darkness. I’ve walked the long cindered mile. I’ve taken the stony path and slept in a bed of my own making but these bruises, scars and burns have molded me, hardened me, opened me up and made me strong in the knowledge that love awaits me and brings comfort to us all.

Let the white light of the Universe
enfold, protect me
and bathe me in its healing love.
Let this journey be a tool
to bring peace of mind,
love, joy and kindness back to my life.
Cleanse my soul of hurt and bitterness,
resentment, vengeful and judgmental thinking.
Give me balance and serenity
to face each trial with faith,
an open mind, love and kindness.
When I get lost, let the sun shine down
white light to show me the way back
to the path of Love.
Amen.
A Prayer By Susan H.

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Eating Your Emotions Part 2 with Joanne Del Core and EE Orme

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emotional pain

Today I was able to tape the second part of Eating Your Emotions with the brilliant Joanne Del Core.  Recording these radio shows has been an invigorating and emotional process for me.  Thank you for all your support and for taking the time to listen to the shows.

Blessings and Unconditional Love,

EE Orme

 

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Eating Your Emotions with Joanne Del Core and EE Orme

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stiffeling your emotions

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to discuss eating disorders on the radio. This is just one of the disorders that arise when we suppress our emotions, our potential and our authenticity. Please take a moment to listen to this show and forward it to anyone who may need to hear it’s message. Blessings and best wishes,

EE Orme

 

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