Surrender

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I surrender. My war is fought. I lay down my resistance and pray for mercy. I pray on my knees in the carnage of my lost ambitions, a broken home, smashed family photos, the scent of an uneaten dinner rotting in an oven that will not be warmed again. I surrender this life to my creator, I surrender every hope and dream I’d had for it. I no longer hope for anything other than the momentary peace that comes between sleeping and waking, work and rest. Even in rest I am nagged with the why’s of my life, with the what if’s, the should haves, and the why didn’t I’s. My brain is a prison when I let it run free, fighting the war again and again that I strive everyday to set down and surrender.

So I breathe, I pray, I meditate on my knees and silence the bitter places that would stand up and scream for justice when I already know there is no justice, there is just-his version of events and mine. And so I breath, and count my breaths letting the grief subside until I am strong again and capable of moving on with my half finished life. And I do move on, as the strong do, no matter how shattered. Loss comes and loss goes, grief comes and lingers longest, time will not heal this wound but living well will deaden the sting and I plan to live well. I have trained to live well. I have surrendered my past, am free and fully intend to live so well that I will become a picture postcard of sunshine and gratitude to all the people who have lifted me up and held me tight. You know who you are and a million times, thank you.

I got this-I will keep going-I love you.

The Traveling Now

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The way forward is not in the past. To look back is to be trapped in Ego’s memory loop. The memory loop is a Ground Hog Day of unending memory where you fight people who are not there, argue a point with the dead, and wage a battle that was lost years ago, only to fight, argue and battle the same people again the next day, on and on until death. The battle field is small; It’s only in your head, but the pain the memory causes is real and taxing to your mind and body. Letting the past go will heal you on many levels.

Mindfulness practice asks us to live in the now, to quiet the ego mind through meditative practice and prayer, and become one with what Terry Pratchett called the traveling now. How is the now ever traveling? It is traveling because the moment you are in it, it is already passing like a stream you wade through. the traveling now washes around your ankles and past you into the distance, into the past. Is it still the same stream you stepped into moments ago? As a body of water, yes, it is the stream, but the water is different with each passing moment. Here goes a leaf, a twig, a fish, a piece of water grass. This is your life ebbing and flowing around you. When we are lost in Ego’s memory loop we miss the sparkle of sunlight on a ripple, the jump and splash of a fish as it catches its dinner.

When we choose to stay in the traveling now with our minds clear, understanding that thoughts, like twigs and leaves, will come and go, we see the sunlight sparkle, we see the fish jump, we whiteness our lives. Thoughts will come and go; When we learn to observe them and release them with detachment and without resistance, we remain present, embodied and whole. We surrender to the beauty of the moment, missing nothing.

In this now in which I write to you, lives your observer consciousness. Your conscious self reads these words, witnesses your life, and sees all the magic in every moment you experience. Living in the now is where life has flavor, scent, taste and texture because by stepping into your life you are free to savor it. Let go of the memory loop. love and allow your ego to become an obedient servant that whispers instead of shouts. With mindfulness practice, the ego will become the helpful tool it was built to be, handling the small stuff while you enjoy your life.

Keep going-you got this-I love you