Life Does Not Apologize

Photo by Hernan Pauccara on

Our individual human stories don’t have a beginning or an end because there is no birth or death there is just transition. We are perpetual spirit beings having a very human experience. Sometimes it’s terrifying to be alive and sometimes it’s a blessing. The important thing is to gather the lesson in the moment and move on. I write about a lot of spirituality and psychology because I’m trying to understand myself and my journey. I do not know what I will write about when I sit down to write. I simply begin to write and a topic appears or a pain presents itself and the blog piece manifests.

When I incarnated on earth my first emotion was the emotion of WHY? Why had I chosen again to be born on this planet, into a body, and know suffering. I carried why with me for many decades until I learned that I’m here with all of you to dig for the gold in the shit. Why did my son get sick? To learn compassion for other children with disabilities. Why was I gifted with a mentally ill parent? So, I could learn the lesson of what a parent should not be and turn towards learning what a parent could be. This doesn’t mean I got it right. Also, why are most all my friends trauma survivors? Why do we live in a patriarchy that still sees women as possessions? Why do we keep going everyday? There are a billion injustices occurring every moment across this plane of existence and only the person experiencing the pain will have the opportunity to learn the lesson.

I dig deep into my trauma because stuffing it down, as I’ve written before, only makes it pop up at inopportune times like when I finished registering for college three days ago and my, “You’re a dumb-shit,” trauma popped up and bitch slapped me in seven different directions. With it came memories of my childhood so painful that I still can’t believe I wrote them down and posted them. Yep, it’s still up there. I can’t justify vomiting my shit onto this blog and I would like to apologize but life doesn’t apologize, the people who beat us and molest us did not apologize, the bullies who shamed and ridiculed us away from living our best lives did not apologize so neither will I.

I opened this blog by saying we are perpetual spirit beings having a very human experience and that there is no beginning and no end. I said this because I know I’m spirit in a meat-suit interacting with other spirits in meat-suits and when my meat-suit dies, I will take my lessons, good and bad, process them in my life review and find my conclusions. After I have found my conclusions, I will probably want to come back again because life is addictive and there is just something about getting back up when I’ve been knocked down that I just can’t resist. Life will knock you down, it will also celebrate you with cake and good friends and family. It will show you sunsets you will never forget and it will also make you feel like a dumb-shit that has no reason to still be alive.

So do your shadow work, sift through the experience and find the lesson, let your tests become your testimonies of how you survived what you experienced. Find common humanity and compassion, and forgive everyone and yourself.

I love you. I’m tired. I’m learning as I go.

The Importance of Relational Intimacy

Society is centered on money and prestige. It’s that simple. Even if you were born a happy hippy kid raised on granola and kisses, by now you know that money=prestige=success in western culture. Our cultivated egos value expensive cars, big houses, designer clothes, and exotic destinations. From the moment we mature to the moment we die, the framework of our life is corrupted by the idea that material achievement is a necessary component of happiness.

We are the wealthiest society in the history of creation. This fact alone should ensure our happiness, and yet we are stressed and depressed because we place our values on things that will never love us back. We cultivate riches instead of enriching the relationships that heal us.

Western culture’s definition of mental health coincides with the dominant values of our culture: autonomy, independence and wealth. We are raised in this isolated society to stand alone, be rugged individuals and to be capitalist ground-breakers.  A healthier way of being productive would be to move, work and create within relationships. I am reading the book Silencing the Self, Women and Depression by Dana Crowley Jack and I agree with Dana that it is natural, not needy, to look for intimacy in relationships; to cleave to a lover, friends, family and community for support.

Women are far more injured by our western role models because a woman is raised to seek intimacy in relationship, to communicate her feelings, to trust in and nurture others. A man is raised to strike out on his own, to keep his feelings subdued, and to be strong, decisive and courageous. This male role model does not mesh well with the intimacy seeking communicative female model. The sad truth is that men need intimacy just as much as women do; they just aren’t raised to know it.

All of my manuscripts are based on the importance of relational intimacy. As a writer of woman’s fiction, I am constantly looking for new ways to show the beauty of deep sustaining love; between friends, lovers, brothers-in-arms, or sisters of a common cause. Nothing we do in life is more important than the people whose lives we touch with care. Intimacy unearths pain, supports healing and is more valuable than any amount of gold. You cannot take your riches with you to heaven, but you can take the love and compassion you’ve invested in others.