I no longer have anything to prove. Not to myself, not to my friends and not to the world. Stress, anxiety and worry, guilt and fear grow stronger when I reach for perfection; wanting in every way to prove that I am worth knowing, worth hearing, worth the time it takes to say hello. Freedom lives in acceptance, as does love, compassion and the greatest gift, contentment. I have set aside my need for riches, my wish for worldly wealth and I am at home with myself and to myself in a way I never was before, simply because I make no excuses for who I am. I am…and that’s enough.
The road to poverty is paved with unnecessary consumption; that driving need to own the latest, the greatest, the biggest and the best in order to be cutting-edge, cool and accepted. I have bought my fair share of acceptance based merchandise. I have run up my credit cards and wept when I couldn’t pay the bill. I wore the right shoes with the right dress to the right occasion where I said all the right things to all the right people? Instead of feeling exhilarated, accepted and admired I felt tired and jaded as if I’d shelved the best and brightest parts of me for one radiantly superficial occasion.
Once shelved, our best and brightest features begin to fade. Our true natures waste away into the shadowed recess of our souls, coming out in confessions to a friend who isn’t really a friend because in truth, she’s never really met you. Oh sure you’ve shopped together and gossiped together but the moment you let your true self slip into the open, you’re confronted with the reality that you’ve crossed that line into inexplicable depth. Your pretty friend’s eyes glaze over, there’s a lull in conversation accompanied by the reality that you’ve gone too far. “Beyond this point there be dragons,” the old maps used to read and you struggle through uncomfortable chatter, the bird song of small talk, until you reestablish the comfortable anonymity that kept you both intimate strangers. Then your friend grows busy, too busy, to shop and gossip and her world spins on without you.
I have nothing to prove, nothing to preach, I’ll love you in your best dress or in your most ragged pair of sweats. You know the pair you reserve for those days when you’re too old for teddy bears but too broken to understand how much you need one. I don’t care if you’re not wearing eye makeup or where you got your hair done. If you can’t stop crying I’ll probably join you. If you’ve got the giggles I’m right there to.
“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”
5 thoughts on “Nothing to Prove”
El: You have the most incredible voice I’ve ever heard-read-watched-breathed in. I love the cadence of your prose and look forward to reading reams and reams of what I am completely convinced will be stories that transport me to ecstasies of brilliancy. Gaud I love reading your stuff. Simply brilliant!
Thank you Shawn. It’s hard to find words in the face of such a beautifuly writen complement. Blessings to you my friend and again…Thanks.
I’m very happy to know you NOW, and hope to know you tomorrow too.
I belive we have a long and happy friendship ahead of us Toni. You mean a lot to me.
My friend, your words touched my soul.
I, too, am weary of being a nothing more than a mirror reflecting to others what they want to see instead of being myself.
I am now learning that it is only when we honor our spirits and allow ourselves to be ourselves, only then can we be free and truly content.
The statement you made about sweatpants… “You know the pair you reserve for those days when you’re too old for teddy bears but too broken to understand how much you need one,” touched me.