Rage isn’t a thing we are born with but it can move through time, through our history, through our past selves, to settle on us like the inheritance of a weak chin or red hair. I was the inheritor of rage, the suppressor of rage, the enactor of rage, which led me to be called Pit-Bull, Demonic, Hell-Bitch and so much more because I held my ground and said, “Fuck-No.”
So how does rage fit into a modern high-vibrational life based on unconditional love, compassion, and peace. This is the question I have been wrestling with this week. What is rage to you? I would love to hear your responses. I know that for me. It begins as a heat in my chest when a see a smaller and less fierce being attacked, threatened, coerced or worse. I know that when my boundaries are pushed I feel this heat spread through my body as words come unbidden into my mouth and pour out in statements that I would never have the courage to utter. There is a force in me that says, “Hell No.” And it means every syllable.
When I was five, the school librarian said she was going to put my friend Florenza over her knee and spank her. I told her that she would not. That only mommy’s and daddy’s were aloud to spank and that if she, (the librarian) touched Florenza, I would have her fired. I meant every word. Where did this rage come from? What created this all consuming fire that stood up and said no? I was five, shy, dutiful, and being raised in a religious culture that did not even allow me to make eye contact or talk back to a boy because some day he would be a priest in the church.
I can’t tell you how many times I have stood up for others, stolen animals that were being abused, and stopped dialogues that were turning towards toxic gossip. I can’t stand injustice, abuse, or fuckery of any type. And yet if I’m a spiritual person who doesn’t fuck with people’s bridge time why don’t I let the weak and the innocent get there ass’ handed to them? My answer is, because my response to dominant attacks on the defenseless is instant and part of who I am. So who Am I?
I have lived many lives as a soldier, war chieftain, warlord and viking. I loved being a warrior and riding a horse into battle. I loved being a chauvinist bastard. I loved the thrill of battle, wenching, slaughter, and the smell of a burning village. But several centuries ago I decided to make a change. I decided to evolve. Since making that decision I have had six terrible lives as women and abused boys who suffered so intolerably that I can not go back to being the person I was ever again. I have put away my swords and picked up my babies and I have been a good mother, a good wife and a good person ever since.
So is my rage the left over energy of a hedonistic warmonger or is my rage a gift from my dark goddess who doesn’t ever want to see one of her children hurt ever again. I don’t have an answer. I have reached out to my sisters, some of whom have lived similar lives before choosing peace and compassion and they have told me many beautiful things. One said rage is a chaos energy that only destroys and has no place in the new age. One said that rage is a focused energy that creates clarity of purpose when used to set boundaries, protect the innocent with a ‘momma bear’ energy that says NO and I LOVE YOU!
What I get most is that rage refined is rage without chaos. Rage must have a purpose and a direction and be used as an energy conduit and not a means of destruction and revenge. Rage with chaos has no direction and is distorted. All distortions cause pain and in our modern age causing pain to our brothers and sisters is not an option. This is a process for me, and it may be long or short. Whatever comes of it I will give it back to Source energy, God, the great I AM in the hopes that I can move away from chaos and distortion, moving instead into unconditional love and strongly set, and bravely reinforced boundaries. Maybe with time my rage, like my past, will melt away into memory and I will finally walk in grace, or maybe walking in grace means setting a purposeful intention of offering my shield and my strength to those who most need it. After all, who I was is part of who I am. the question is, how do I use all the facets of my experience for the highest good?